Step one: Walk

Some of you know that I've been wrestling with something over the last week or so. It's something that I don't know if I've ever seen anyone do. It's something Jesus said.

"Sell your possessions and give to those in need. This will store up treasure for you in heaven! And the purses of heaven never get old or develop holes. Your treasure will be safe; no thief can steal it and no moth can destroy it."

(luke 12:33)

I've had a few conversations with some friends about this. A general initial response is, 'well, if we give up everything for the poor, then real quickly we'll be poor and will have no way to help others.' The only problem with this is that many of the versus before this one seem to be preparing us in advance so that we won't try to make that defense.

"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing."

After reading this, I asked myself, if I trust God, then why do I feel like I can't do this? I don't really own a lot of things, and I could easily continue to go to work even after selling everything, so it seems like it should be easier for me to do this than many other people. So why is it so hard? Is it because I don't trust? I don't think so. I don't think I could easily get myself to go bungie jumping, but it isn't because I think that the line would snap and I'd get hurt. More than that, I'm even confident that it would be an incredible experience that I would remember for years to come. The thing that makes bungie jumping easier is that all it takes is for you to have one split second of courage for you to jump off. After that you're already in it. If you suddenly become too fearful... well, it doesn't matter... because you're in the air.

But this leap of faith that is my potential life, doesn't seem to happen in an instant. It takes commitment and devotion. When God told Noah to build an ark, Noah didn't just say, "ok... whew! THAT was quite the leap of faith!" No, it was a long, ongoing LIFE lived devoted to God through living by faith.

I would like to know other people's thoughts and feelings about this.

sell: (pōleō) sell or barter

give: (didōmi) to give something to someone

a) of one's own accord to give one something, to his advantage

1) to bestow a gift

b) to grant, give to one asking, let have

c) to supply, furnish, necessary things

d) to give over, deliver

1) to reach out, extend, present

2) of a writing

3) to give over to one's care, intrust, commit

a) something to be administered

b) to give or commit to some one something to be religiously observed

e) to give what is due or obligatory, to pay: wages or reward

f) to furnish, endue

Sometimes you have a period of time, a block, a season, a whatever you want to call it, where you quickly notice a common topic that keeps popping up. Lately, for me, this topic has been suffering. I've been experiencing it in a sort of cycle that goes something like this: I feel fine, I learn about suffering, I suffer, I feel fine, I learn more, I suffer more, I get back on top of it, etc. Certainly this sounds like an undesirable process, and I'll be the first to tell you that when I'm in the middle of it, I do not desire it... but there's something more to it than pointless pain. Something so much more.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."

What does it mean to take up your cross? Not too long ago, I heard some man preaching about becoming a 'manly man' and how when Jesus said to take up your cross, he was saying that you should fight. . . . . . . and at this point I would like to disagree with that notion completely.

Jesus was (is) so intense. He calls people to a deep level of commitment that is far beyond what most of us will take up.

I will explain what this verse means to me by telling you what I want for my life:

I want to seek God himself at any cost, by any road. I want to be so committed to God's will that I am eager and willing to destroy any chance of acquiring my own worldly desires. I want to be not only accepting of pain that is inflicted on me, but be able to be joyful about it just knowing that God can use it for something incredible. I want to be willing to give up, sacrifice, and deny all of the things that I designed for my life in order to follow Christ.

I know that a lot of people probably get knots in their stomach reading things like that and think that it

is out of line with what God wants for a person's life. But one simply has to open the bible to read countless

examples to the contrary. I think that, with the help of the enemy, man has devoted so much time to making

life easy that he has made life virtually impossible. We've been directed to avoid or ignore pain to the extent

that we never learn to reap its benefits. The truth of the matter is that pain and sacrifice churn up the rich soil

within us and allow us to experience such greater fruits than ever before. You can live the shallow life that

produces grass, or the deep, rich life that produces full trees of fruit.

Freedom to Fall

This morning I was thinking about a question that has slightly confused me this past week. Are we free or aren't we?

Reading that, you probably thought one of two things: "Yes" or "yes, BUT." So what's the deal? To me, things get a little confusing in the letters. Half the time it seems to speak more poorly of discipline than it does of sin. But the part that really confused me was regardless of what I read or when I read it, I still have a spiritual discernment that let's me know that some things are undesirable. This is getting confusing... so I'll just cut to the revelation that I had this morning.

Our freedom from the law (even if we don't want to call it that) does not free us from the consequences that the law was created to protect us from.

I know, I know, that doesn't seem new... but it was new for me. I thought of it in terms of heroine.

Imagine that heroine was legalized today. Suddenly we couldn't get in trouble with the law for using it. However, our lives would be significantly harmed if we did use it. We would probably become useless to serve in the community, and might instead become a burden or die.

and that's the note I will end on. Toodles:)

Follow the Leader

On and off for the last year (perhaps longer) I've been a person very easily frustrated by other people's foolishness. I've often witnessed people making bad decisions, or living carelessly, and either said something that had no effect or just bottled up my frustration. Even if the original motives for these things started well, they almost always dragged me into a place where I was acting like as much (or more) of a fool as the other people had been.

But recently something changed. I was reading the Word (the bible) when I came across one of those kinds of verses that I normally liked... one that essentially reaffirmed my desire to correct others. However, this time when I read, I noticed this little bit at the end... it said to lead by example. In that moment I took special care in considering that method. In a heartbeat I had to reexamine where my life was. Was I leading by example or was I only leading by words?

(Answer: mostly words)

Today I thought of it like this:

it's the difference between somebody trying to explain to you all of the reasons that you should play soccer and you seeing a World Cup player who has mastered his game. (if you don't like soccer, replace this example)

Surely in your life you have seen somebody do something with such amazing skill that you just thought, 'man, that looks awesome... I want to do that.' And that, I think, is how I am supposed to live. So if I want to lead others to doing well, I myself must live as well as I can.

Life in a Cave

This afternoon, while driving to class, I made the mood based decision to turn off my ipod and turn on the radio. This isn't exactly a rare thing for me, but I might say that it is somewhat rare to do it upon being driven by some inner feeling. I moved in and out of a couple of different stations, then made my way to Magic 107.7. This is preset #5 in my car. Magic, in case you didn't know, is one of my favorite windows-up radio stations due to its vast quantities of songs that I greatly enjoy but am simultaneously ashamed of, and also because it is the local carrier of the John Tesh radio show. This is actually what stopped me on that station today. John Tesh (former Entertainment Tonight host turned jazz pianist) and his comforting, trustworthy voice. However, on this day I tuned in just as he was ending his sentence and beginning to play a song.

Do you ever start to hear a song that you have long disliked, but for some reason let it play? That's not what I did today. That's what I did a year ago. That GooGoo Dolls song from that Nicholas Cage movie. I never even saw that movie! Why would I stop to listen to that song? But I did. I did, and the words meant something to me. I'll venture to say that whatever those words meant to me then were not what they meant to me today.

A year ago this song almost certainly spoke of a longing for a love that was close yet far... a desire to be known. A desire to be loved, wanted... needed.

But today...

Today this same song, with all of it's touching, personal relevance, only illustrated my personal struggle against those things. Mind you, I'm certainly not against love in any way. My struggle is not against good. My struggle is against the worship of false gods... namely, myself.

During my quiet time this morning (which is probably the most beneficial thing that I know of that a person could do in their life) I read a page from "My Utmost For His Highest." On this particular day the book was talking about the idea of doing things for the "glory of God" but really for the glory of self. The author proposed the idea that jumping up and down shouting, "LOOK AT GOD! LOOK AT GOD" might really be a heart saying, "look at me! look at me." Furthermore, the book said that the ideal would be something more like a quiet humbleness. Here's an excerpt:

(We want people to say) "What a wonderful man of prayer he is!" or, "What a great woman of devotion she is!" If you are properly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the lofty height where no one would ever notice you personally. All that is noticed is the power of God coming through you all the time.

Upon reading that this morning, I slowly began my trek back from shrine where I worship myself, and into the temple of the Lord. Beautifully, my heart longs for God. That is something that I feel so grateful for. So with that in my heart, I heard the song in a slightly different way today. I heard it as me, in my deepest struggles, turning from my deepest foolishness. I heard it as me walking away from everything I want... everything that kills me... and, with the sorrow of a foolish child, walking toward the wonderful God that loves me.

I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am