Life in a Cave

This afternoon, while driving to class, I made the mood based decision to turn off my ipod and turn on the radio. This isn't exactly a rare thing for me, but I might say that it is somewhat rare to do it upon being driven by some inner feeling. I moved in and out of a couple of different stations, then made my way to Magic 107.7. This is preset #5 in my car. Magic, in case you didn't know, is one of my favorite windows-up radio stations due to its vast quantities of songs that I greatly enjoy but am simultaneously ashamed of, and also because it is the local carrier of the John Tesh radio show. This is actually what stopped me on that station today. John Tesh (former Entertainment Tonight host turned jazz pianist) and his comforting, trustworthy voice. However, on this day I tuned in just as he was ending his sentence and beginning to play a song.

Do you ever start to hear a song that you have long disliked, but for some reason let it play? That's not what I did today. That's what I did a year ago. That GooGoo Dolls song from that Nicholas Cage movie. I never even saw that movie! Why would I stop to listen to that song? But I did. I did, and the words meant something to me. I'll venture to say that whatever those words meant to me then were not what they meant to me today.

A year ago this song almost certainly spoke of a longing for a love that was close yet far... a desire to be known. A desire to be loved, wanted... needed.

But today...

Today this same song, with all of it's touching, personal relevance, only illustrated my personal struggle against those things. Mind you, I'm certainly not against love in any way. My struggle is not against good. My struggle is against the worship of false gods... namely, myself.

During my quiet time this morning (which is probably the most beneficial thing that I know of that a person could do in their life) I read a page from "My Utmost For His Highest." On this particular day the book was talking about the idea of doing things for the "glory of God" but really for the glory of self. The author proposed the idea that jumping up and down shouting, "LOOK AT GOD! LOOK AT GOD" might really be a heart saying, "look at me! look at me." Furthermore, the book said that the ideal would be something more like a quiet humbleness. Here's an excerpt:

(We want people to say) "What a wonderful man of prayer he is!" or, "What a great woman of devotion she is!" If you are properly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the lofty height where no one would ever notice you personally. All that is noticed is the power of God coming through you all the time.

Upon reading that this morning, I slowly began my trek back from shrine where I worship myself, and into the temple of the Lord. Beautifully, my heart longs for God. That is something that I feel so grateful for. So with that in my heart, I heard the song in a slightly different way today. I heard it as me, in my deepest struggles, turning from my deepest foolishness. I heard it as me walking away from everything I want... everything that kills me... and, with the sorrow of a foolish child, walking toward the wonderful God that loves me.

I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am