Sometimes you have a period of time, a block, a season, a whatever you want to call it, where you quickly notice a common topic that keeps popping up. Lately, for me, this topic has been suffering. I've been experiencing it in a sort of cycle that goes something like this: I feel fine, I learn about suffering, I suffer, I feel fine, I learn more, I suffer more, I get back on top of it, etc. Certainly this sounds like an undesirable process, and I'll be the first to tell you that when I'm in the middle of it, I do not desire it... but there's something more to it than pointless pain. Something so much more.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."

What does it mean to take up your cross? Not too long ago, I heard some man preaching about becoming a 'manly man' and how when Jesus said to take up your cross, he was saying that you should fight. . . . . . . and at this point I would like to disagree with that notion completely.

Jesus was (is) so intense. He calls people to a deep level of commitment that is far beyond what most of us will take up.

I will explain what this verse means to me by telling you what I want for my life:

I want to seek God himself at any cost, by any road. I want to be so committed to God's will that I am eager and willing to destroy any chance of acquiring my own worldly desires. I want to be not only accepting of pain that is inflicted on me, but be able to be joyful about it just knowing that God can use it for something incredible. I want to be willing to give up, sacrifice, and deny all of the things that I designed for my life in order to follow Christ.

I know that a lot of people probably get knots in their stomach reading things like that and think that it

is out of line with what God wants for a person's life. But one simply has to open the bible to read countless

examples to the contrary. I think that, with the help of the enemy, man has devoted so much time to making

life easy that he has made life virtually impossible. We've been directed to avoid or ignore pain to the extent

that we never learn to reap its benefits. The truth of the matter is that pain and sacrifice churn up the rich soil

within us and allow us to experience such greater fruits than ever before. You can live the shallow life that

produces grass, or the deep, rich life that produces full trees of fruit.

Freedom to Fall

This morning I was thinking about a question that has slightly confused me this past week. Are we free or aren't we?

Reading that, you probably thought one of two things: "Yes" or "yes, BUT." So what's the deal? To me, things get a little confusing in the letters. Half the time it seems to speak more poorly of discipline than it does of sin. But the part that really confused me was regardless of what I read or when I read it, I still have a spiritual discernment that let's me know that some things are undesirable. This is getting confusing... so I'll just cut to the revelation that I had this morning.

Our freedom from the law (even if we don't want to call it that) does not free us from the consequences that the law was created to protect us from.

I know, I know, that doesn't seem new... but it was new for me. I thought of it in terms of heroine.

Imagine that heroine was legalized today. Suddenly we couldn't get in trouble with the law for using it. However, our lives would be significantly harmed if we did use it. We would probably become useless to serve in the community, and might instead become a burden or die.

and that's the note I will end on. Toodles:)

Follow the Leader

On and off for the last year (perhaps longer) I've been a person very easily frustrated by other people's foolishness. I've often witnessed people making bad decisions, or living carelessly, and either said something that had no effect or just bottled up my frustration. Even if the original motives for these things started well, they almost always dragged me into a place where I was acting like as much (or more) of a fool as the other people had been.

But recently something changed. I was reading the Word (the bible) when I came across one of those kinds of verses that I normally liked... one that essentially reaffirmed my desire to correct others. However, this time when I read, I noticed this little bit at the end... it said to lead by example. In that moment I took special care in considering that method. In a heartbeat I had to reexamine where my life was. Was I leading by example or was I only leading by words?

(Answer: mostly words)

Today I thought of it like this:

it's the difference between somebody trying to explain to you all of the reasons that you should play soccer and you seeing a World Cup player who has mastered his game. (if you don't like soccer, replace this example)

Surely in your life you have seen somebody do something with such amazing skill that you just thought, 'man, that looks awesome... I want to do that.' And that, I think, is how I am supposed to live. So if I want to lead others to doing well, I myself must live as well as I can.

Life in a Cave

This afternoon, while driving to class, I made the mood based decision to turn off my ipod and turn on the radio. This isn't exactly a rare thing for me, but I might say that it is somewhat rare to do it upon being driven by some inner feeling. I moved in and out of a couple of different stations, then made my way to Magic 107.7. This is preset #5 in my car. Magic, in case you didn't know, is one of my favorite windows-up radio stations due to its vast quantities of songs that I greatly enjoy but am simultaneously ashamed of, and also because it is the local carrier of the John Tesh radio show. This is actually what stopped me on that station today. John Tesh (former Entertainment Tonight host turned jazz pianist) and his comforting, trustworthy voice. However, on this day I tuned in just as he was ending his sentence and beginning to play a song.

Do you ever start to hear a song that you have long disliked, but for some reason let it play? That's not what I did today. That's what I did a year ago. That GooGoo Dolls song from that Nicholas Cage movie. I never even saw that movie! Why would I stop to listen to that song? But I did. I did, and the words meant something to me. I'll venture to say that whatever those words meant to me then were not what they meant to me today.

A year ago this song almost certainly spoke of a longing for a love that was close yet far... a desire to be known. A desire to be loved, wanted... needed.

But today...

Today this same song, with all of it's touching, personal relevance, only illustrated my personal struggle against those things. Mind you, I'm certainly not against love in any way. My struggle is not against good. My struggle is against the worship of false gods... namely, myself.

During my quiet time this morning (which is probably the most beneficial thing that I know of that a person could do in their life) I read a page from "My Utmost For His Highest." On this particular day the book was talking about the idea of doing things for the "glory of God" but really for the glory of self. The author proposed the idea that jumping up and down shouting, "LOOK AT GOD! LOOK AT GOD" might really be a heart saying, "look at me! look at me." Furthermore, the book said that the ideal would be something more like a quiet humbleness. Here's an excerpt:

(We want people to say) "What a wonderful man of prayer he is!" or, "What a great woman of devotion she is!" If you are properly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the lofty height where no one would ever notice you personally. All that is noticed is the power of God coming through you all the time.

Upon reading that this morning, I slowly began my trek back from shrine where I worship myself, and into the temple of the Lord. Beautifully, my heart longs for God. That is something that I feel so grateful for. So with that in my heart, I heard the song in a slightly different way today. I heard it as me, in my deepest struggles, turning from my deepest foolishness. I heard it as me walking away from everything I want... everything that kills me... and, with the sorrow of a foolish child, walking toward the wonderful God that loves me.

I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Order Up

Matthew 22³⁷Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' ³⁸This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'⁴⁰All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

In that perfect order it flows. Focus solely on loving God in every way. Through this you will truly become capable of love. Through this you will be able to love your neighbor. 

God is most important above all else. 

Above everything else.

This is what happened...

I cut myself

but I did not bleed

I am only flesh

I am only lust

I am only rage

and hate

and sex

and murder

but it's all sealed inside

frozen in the thickness of flesh

I've been reading the book of James for the last couple of days. As I've reread it, I've realized the extreme importance of keeping God in mind while reading the bible. Keeping God's character in mind. As God certainly cares as much for our hearts as He does our actions, so too should we consider and be aware of God's heart as much as His actions. Not uniquely one or the other (as most of us are inclined to do in order to suit our own comforts) but united, reflecting one another and giving new depth and unseen meaning to the other.

"...Jesus said, "The kingdom of God does not come with observation . . . . For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you" ( Luke 17:20-21  ). It is a hidden, obscure thing. An active Christian worker too often lives to be seen by others, while it is the innermost, personal area that reveals the power of a person’s life."

A Thought. A Prayer.

from journal entry: 9-21-2009

You must get to where you hate your struggles and truly view them as an enemy to your One Love (instead of viewing them as a hurdle to get over for the moment or something you desire but can't have).

Love the Lord so much that you desire to love Him more... and anything that gets in the way of that is to be conquered.

prayer:

"Father, give me spiritual discernment to see beyond what is taught to me, and what I already wish to believe. Allow me to see truth and light even when it counters these things. Make death nonexistent and hate be crushed under my foot."

an undated journal entry transfered to digital

"I woke up 60 times this morning. Each time, crying out for God to please conquer these things. Waking up to lust, disappointment, the strongest urge to check my phone, and the repeated offense of seeing that some pretty girl had not found this loss as unacceptable as I had."

"But this is probably what I needed. That slap in the face to finally get me to leave. I feel like I'm going to die. Like something infused in me has been ripped out, taking slabs of tissue and muscle with it. But just like yesterday, I know what made me bleed. I just act like I don't. 

I lie because a self inflicted wound won't impress a soul."

re: peopleofwalmart.com

I looked at this website a couple weeks ago. I went through pages of it with my roommate, pointing, laughing, having a good old time. Afterward, I thought about it... what the website was, how I viewed it, what effects it had on me. I came to the conclusion that the results of me participating in that sort of entertainment put me into a stance of looking at certain people as subhuman, viewing them not as people but as objects. I quickly noticed the similarity between that stance and the stance that came from my pursuits of pornography. Both things started out as semi-not-so-good, but quickly showed the power to build a wall between me and my fellow man. In both cases, the prevention of my love for these people made way for my new found desire to harm them instead. For the walmart folks it was making fun of people. For the porno girls it was wanting to use them for my own pleasure at their own expense. 

The thing is social outcasts (like the peopleofwalmart), and people with an unhealthy self image (like the girls that do pornography) are probably some of the people that are the most in need of real, selfless love. 

Observation of the Day

This afternoon, while sitting in a class, I observed that 12 of the 13 women in the room had their hair "done" (by this I mean that it appeared to have been professionally cut, colored, or maintained within the past couple weeks). What types of girls were these? All kinds. Different races, different sizes, appearing to be from several demographics... but the one category that was not represented... a woman of age. 

There's only one of those in the class... and she happens to be number 13. 

Heck, let's call her number 1 and let one of the others take up that unlucky spot. The point is that the oldest person in the class was by far the most unkempt. While arguments could be made about wisdom and experience, etc., I don't think that any of them fit in this specific situation. So let's go back to the real issue (assuming for the moment that they aren't connected). 

What's with the hair? What's with makeup, short skirts, working out, mirrors, the word "sexy," moisturizer, tweezing, plastic surgery, push up bras, manicures, or bikinis? 

Does it lean more toward idolizing yourself or loathing yourself? 

I'll be honest, this post was going somewhere completely different until I posted that picture of Taylor Swift. Now I'm forced to look at what I want and why I want it. Do I want something manufactured or do I want something natural? Whatever I want, do I want it because I really want it, or because I've been trained to want it. 

I don't know.

Last question:

Is it bad or foolish to make yourself look as pleasing to the eye as you're capable of looking?

The Number Of Completion

Coincidence or something like it.

1. This past saturday, I was going through some text and found a set of notes taken by a friend from a church service that they had attended. I'm not certain how they came into my possession, but that didn't seem important. Frankly, the notes didn't seem important. I glanced slightly at them. It must have been a sermon on the parable of the sower and his seeds.

'Well that's interesting,' I thought as I threw the notes aside and continued with what I was doing.

2. While sitting in the second row at Status (by the way, I don't like the second row of anything, much less a place that I habitually seek freedom in comfort) I heard Cole begin to read a parable. What do ya know!? Of all the parables, it's that same one again.

This time my thought was, 'hey, that's what I read about yesterday.' Note the possessive reaction.

3. This morning I opened up a book that I rarely open, and turned toward a random page. There was a bit of scripture at the top of the page. It was the parable of the sower again.

Thought three: 'I need to look closely at this rather than just reading the surface.'

I've noticed in this past week how much more of an impact things have when they come in threes. It's actually happened in more cases than this. Something happens and you are aware of it. It happens again and you recognize it as a strange coincidence. It happens yet again and you realize that it is too significant to ignore. Somehow, at least for me, it takes repetition for me to take careful note of certain things.

Think of it this way:

You walk down a crowded street. You suddenly hear somebody shout something, but it blends easily with the other voices around you. Then you hear it again and you think, 'did somebody just shout my name?' Since you are unsure, you keep walking. When it happens again, you hear it clear as a bell. Somebody has called your name. That's when your attention finally turns to find the source.

Such is life.

left overs

Do you ever go to put something together, say a table from ikea, and once finished, discover that you have several extra pieces? Maybe an extra wing-nut or shelf mount? If you're like me, you respond to this realization by saying, "ehh, that's not important anyway."

It seems that if I look deeply at why I react that way, I discover that the root is somewhere in the realm of laziness and stubbornness. Too stubborn to listen to the correction that is piled on the floor in the form of nuts and bolts. Too lazy to go back and check where I might have gone wrong. So instead I subscribe to, "I know more than the people who designed and engineered this thing, and the people who use all of the parts are fools wasting their time."

Be wise and love correction.

the pain of the hour hand

it's dusk. at least I think this is dusk. I've never really had anybody explain the concept to me, but I've always interpreted it to be that little bit of time between day and night. that sliver of a moment where everything in the world looks it's best. a slight darkness mixed with the faint orange glow of what's left of the sun. it's the lighting that makes a building look cosy, a car look clean, skin look perfect, hair soft, and a sky like heaven. there's no time like this time. no time so short that can make things feel so endless. even so, dusk speaks less of immortality than it does death.

I'd be sitting on a lake right now if I didn't have the realization that this time was about to come to a close.

instead though, I'm sitting on the balcony of a friend's townhouse. it's peaceful here too though. it has all the securities of a home but without the responsibilities that accompany one. I can smell the secondhand smoke of somebody on a neighboring balcony... but the balcony, it seems, is a private place... so I've neglected looking over to see the smoke's producer. I wonder if they would still be smoking if they knew how much I desired to join them... but that I quit nine months ago. in my imagination it's a woman who's on that balcony. in my imagination she sees me, and sees the look on my face... the look of a man who's trying as hard as a hopeless heart can possibly try. and in my imagination, despite everything anyone would ever expect, she cares. it's such an intimate, selfless care too. she stops with her lips so slightly apart, and after the length of pause that it takes to fully ingest all of my history, hopes, desires, and feelings, she puts out her half smoked cigarette and turns to walk inside. and the best part... she stops just before her hand touches the door and turns to me and says, "I'm so proud of you," then walks inside.

none of this happens though.

by the time I've finished writing, the smoker is gone, the dusk has died, and I, the singular constant in this story, press on without the world's encouragement. that's what that whole tangent was, wasn't it? a pretend world where every other human being is excited about your desire for purity on an eternal scale. but imagining what could occur in the world is vital to changing what does occur in the world.

I've just gotten into one of those slumps where I feel like if I could only see some change, some sign of movement, something, I would have such a burst of energy that nothing could stop me. instead I see a million others around me collecting company bonuses, and getting married, and altogether receiving praise from the powers that be... and all I want is sign that I'm on my way. but this is all when I'm busy looking from the wrong perspective.

you see, my life is not that of a second hand, but of an hour hand. while the movement of a second hand is so much more apparent to the fleeting viewer, it's the change of an hour that holds significance in a real person's life. so while my movement is slow, and while my growth may be invisible to many at present, it will the movement that's recorded in history. not just a dusk, but a lifetime. not just a cigarette, but an entire human existence to the extent of success that few have seen or imagined.

Unfathomable F1

Formula 1 racing is home to the most precise, technologically advanced, and expensive cars on the planet. They are also the fastest. 

I wanted one when I was younger. The Ferrari. It didn't matter which year, the Ferraris were always the best. I remember the days when my reaction to something being fast was to compare it to an F1 car and try to decide if it could win in a race. 

As the years went by and experience and knowledge began to grow, I started to think about certain things that I never considered. Eventually, after valet jobs, car incidents (close calls, not accidents), and interesting television programming, the question finally popped into my head. "

"If I got into a Formula 1 car, would I be able to drive it?"

Eventually I decided that, through trial and error, I would probably be able to get the car moving. However, the damage that I would do to the car in trying to figure it out on my own would be severe. Furthermore, my ability to visualize myself wrecking into a wall at top speed comes much easier than my ability to visualize a successfully completed race lap. 

So what's my point? 

An F1 car without the knowledge and understanding of how to use it is useless in a race. 

I feel like I've seen a lot of people in my lifetime that own F1 cars.

Every now and then I'll find somebody who's training to be a driver.

On the rarest of occasions.............. I'll hear the whine of an F1 car at top speed........... and I'll wonder where it's going.

they're only words with a tidal wave of heart behind them

Hold onto the progress you have made.

It says that in the bible somewhere. It's an important command, especially considering how often we fail, and fall, and lose.

Imagine yourself walking from San Francisco to Wilmington to visit your grandmother. Imagine how much you love her and how happy that she'll be to see you. Think about looking at your feet, watching them take each step. You can see the ground beneath you pass by so quickly. You look up. There is so much beauty around. Such a drastic difference from the beauty that you saw yesterday, let alone last week. Mountains. Fields. Old cities. New cities. Families on farms. Places that humans haven't touched. Blue skies. Grey skies. Night skies. Dusk skies. So you imagine the satisfaction of seeing so much of the beauty of the journey you're on, and how much more beautiful it's getting as you near your destination.

Now imagine if every time you had to stop and rest, or every time you had to stop and eat, or every time your leg got a cramp or you got sidetracked by a cool souvenir shop or stone carving or car accident that you saw..... anytime this happened...... you suddenly were back at the beginning. Like an instant teleportation back to the start. Sure, you'd get to enjoy that part of the journey again.... but you wouldn't be any closer to the goal. Your grandmother would be missing out on what you have to give.

So hold onto the progress you have made. Don't allow yourself to buy into the idea that you get warped back to the beginning each time that you mess up. Hold onto your progress. When you stand back up, stand where you were, and walk where you were going.

Axe to Throat

This may surprise you, but one thing that I hate more than almost anything else is writing. Not writing really, but the act of forming sentences. I often don't write on paper because I know that eventually my frustration will lead me to stab through the pad with a pen. While the price of a computer seems to prevent me from doing anything physically destructive, it really only perpetuates the problem by forcing me to suppress all of these emotions. And yeah, there are a lot of emotions, although most of them are related to anger and a feeling of worthlessness. The funny thing? 

it's that when I'm not writing, I think that I love it. I think that I'm good at it. I think, 'I should become a real writer.' 

Maybe I should become a real writer so that I can always remember how much it upsets me. But alas, I cannot afford that computer to break or those pads to stab.

a life lesson in one sentence

"Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours." cs lewis

There's a devil on my shoulder

I've noticed a very strange thing tonight, and perhaps many times along the way. It's called CORRECTION. "What is it for," you may find yourself asking. Well, dear friend, correction is a tool that is used to help somebody to become correct. The funny thing about being corrected is that when you're strong you invite it... but when you're weak you despise it and fear it. Sadly, it's when we are weak that the correction is most vital to moving us forward.

edit: I typed that paragraph earlier only to get frustrated and delete it. . . . . . . because I felt that it wasn't good enough.

Let's talk about not being good enough. Better yet, let's talk about feeling like we aren't good enough. That disabling feeling where you slowly subscribe to the idea that anything that you do will fail or be frowned upon or even just be noticed by people that we are suddenly afraid to interact with. Yeah. I hate that feeling, but I know it well. I've felt it many times. I've indulged it many times. On many occasions, I've allowed it to dictate where I went in life.

Do not buy into this lie. Feeling worthless is not the same as being humble. Feeling worthless handicaps you to the point of immobility. Your worth is proven by the fact that God loves you.

So KNOW it.

.

Plague of the Puzzle Master

Growing up, I was in gifted classes. What does this mean? Well, it means that year after year I was removed from the memorization of normal school work and placed into programs that trained children to use logic. I remember those daily practices of training my mind to see patterns, and to then apply that pattern to what the answer should be. This stuff is fun. These are the things that puzzles are solved by. Here's the problem though:

The way God wants me to live goes against that process. God wants me to be fluid. God wants me to constantly be looking to Him to find out what to do next, not to look at what I've done already and logically process what the next linear event should be. Cool? Alright, now that that matter is resolved...

Or is it? I find myself often going through this refining process where I am broken, and then in my brokenness, am sifted through and made stronger and more pure. That run on sentence sums up a very complex and long process, but you get the idea. The end of each cycle of this process is the part where I am able to see all of the amazing stuff that God has been doing while I was crying. At this point I feel incredible. I feel so in touch with the Holy spirit and what the Lord is showing me that it is just pure strength and joy. And then I wake up the next morning, remembering how I felt the day before... and I want to continue that. So, rather than continue the posture that allowed me to be in acceptance of whatever the Lord wanted me to do or feel, I do something else. My logical, pattern oriented side comes out and I begin to attempt to recreate the ACTIONS that I did the previous day.

Lesson:

When God calls you to do something and you respond by willingly doing it, the incredible things that happen will take your breath away.

So often we want to be used by God, and instead of looking for what He calls us to do in that moment, we go to do the same sort of thing that He called us to do last time... and guess what? Nothing happens.

Think about that with intensity. Examples. Memories. It's valid.

Lawn and Order

This afternoon I mowed the backyard at this house that I'm watching. The backyard had not been mowed in a month or so and was exceptionally tall and thick. This is what I discovered as I began my journey of lawn care:

• When the lawn is that overgrown, you have to be careful not to allow the grass to clog the mower.
• you have to mow over most of the lawn at least a couple of times just to get it to look relatively cut.
• while this initial mowing is laborious, it is vital to allowing for the easy and necessary upkeep in the future that will allow you to enjoy this lovely lovely lawn.

and here's how that relates to the journey of sanctification:

• When your life has been sloppy, you have to be careful not to allow your habits to overwhelm your motivation for change.
• you have to overcome the same habits and sins multiple times before they can become areas that resemble the other parts of your life.
• while the intensity of the beginning steps of this process makes it strenuous, it is vital to strengthen and prepare you for the necessary upkeep and forward movement that will allow you to enjoy this lovely life.

etc.

Then David Got Up From The Ground... PART 2

The story of David and Bathsheba doesn't end with a fall. The story ends with the resurrection of the fallen. 

As David finally confesses his sins, he is met by God's forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean a lack of consequences though. Forgiveness means that David doesn't die right then. Forgiveness means that he is welcomed back to continue his journey of serving the Lord. 

As part of the just consequence that David receives, his new baby will get sick and die. David reacts to this the way that I do. He started out saying that he was so sorry and felt so bad... but when God gives him punishment, David tries not to accept it... and pleads with the Lord to take it away. David ends up fasting on the floor, begging and pleading for the child to live. Here comes another awesome development...

The servants are so disturbed by seeing their king acting crazy on the ground that they are afraid to tell him that the baby has died. They think, 'if he acted like this while the child was living, what will he do when he finds out it is dead?!?!?!' What will he do? He will respond in a way that is an example to christians throughout the ages. When David learned of the child's death it says:

 "David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate." 

Recap:

1. David stood up
2. David got clean
3. David worshiped the Lord
4. David continued living the life that he was intended to live
   

I feel like there is a period of limbo that our culture inflicts on us where we are "forgiven" but still shamed. Where we are pressured to NOT serve the Lord in the way that we are called, but instead sit in the corner obsessing over our sin. This is what the world tells us... this is the guilt that the enemy tries to drag us down with... and it is not right.

David shows us what life is like with an intimate understanding of what God wants from us. His actions, his words, his confessions, all speak of God's character and desire for intimacy. God calls us to get up from the ground and to not remain with the sin that He has forgiven. He desires us to be His servants and be in fellowship with Him... not to be His prisoners, separated from Him in exile. 1John1:9 tells us: "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 

Stand up and be cleansed. Do not carry the guilt and shame of your sins with you. Practice discipline and strengthen yourself in the ways that the Lord calls you to be strong. Serve no other gods (computer, phone, girl, boy, money). Serve God in every way you can. Go where He calls you and NEVER be ruled by fear or sin.

Be loved and forgiven. 

Then David Got Up From The Ground...

It's interesting how self discipline works. If you take a break from it..... well, you stop having it altogether. I've been thinking about this since I noticed that there seemed to be a division between God and I that I used to accept, but can no longer stand. 

Here's the deal: in the same way that if you stay in bed for a year you will not have the strength to run a marathon, if you don't practice self discipline in the simple matters you will not have the strength to practice them in the big matters.

Let's look at David

In case you haven't heard, King David got lustful, slept with the wife of one of his soldiers, and then had the husband murdered. I love the subtle way that this story starts out in 2 Samuel 11: "In the spring of the year, when kings normally go out to war, David sent Joab and the Israelite army to fight... However, David stayed behind." So, at the beginning we see that David has forgone his normal disciplines to stay behind and.... take a nap. That's all that the bible let's us know about his activities at home. That too is significant. How often do we do that? We're called into battle and we decide to stay home and sleep. 

Next we see the story of corruption unfold. David sleeps with another man's wife and then tries desperately to hide it (2Sam.11:6). I hate that part. 

It's so painful to have to watch as the best of the best... the man that conquered a Giant out of faith... the man that lived so in line with how God wanted him to... to watch him fall. To watch him disappoint.                                       

... but the story doesn't end there...

popular

if you knew 6 billion people by name... would you tell each one of them exactly what they needed to hear?

what about 6 thousand?

... what about 6?

do you trust your friends

      if you want to be trusted, you should make it a practice to do what you say that you will do. meet your commitments.

      

      if you want to be trusted, you should not tell people things that aren't true.

if you regularly do things contrary to this and tell me things to mislead me... my actions that look like actions of trust are not what they appear to be. they are opportunities for many things... invitations for many things... but they are not displays of trust. I think that LOVE would be a good explanation of where these things come from. "would be" is important here. you see, I am far too reluctant in my actions for this to be totally sacrificial. perhaps as much as it is me giving you an opportunity to succeed, it is me giving you an invitation to fail once again. 

switch the placement of the words "invitation" and "opportunity," and you have something beautiful.

a mouse in a maze

Last night I realized something. The way that I act at work (mostly while frustrated) is giving a mixed signal. I say, "I'm happy" and that I follow Christ and that my life is secure in Him.... and people hear that... but then I get a bad tip or whatever the silly case may be.......................... and I act like everyone else in the world. Worse yet, most people that I see actually handle these things better than me! I'm so quick to feel like I'm not being given the appreciation that I deserve. Strangely, I've noticed that as soon as I start to feel that way, I actually stop behaving in a way that makes me deserving of anything. I stop being an asset and instead start being dead weight. 

So that was last night, and then this morning I went to work. "I wonder what awesome things Lander did today" you're probably saying.... well, I acted like a ten year old who couldn't handle the "stress" of his life, all while people around him were dealing very well with that same stress. People that didn't know God. People that didn't realize all that is out there... all that is in front of them. 

This is my struggle now. It has been discovered and my be neutralized. My pride has been getting in the way of people around me learning about what a Godly life can look like. Be humble, young man. Be humble and do good:)

under a solitary broom tree

"So Jezebel sent this message to Elijah: 'May the gods strike me and even kill me if by this time tomorrow I have not killed you...'

        Elijah was afraid and fled for his life."

Just looking at that excerpt probably makes you think, 'yeah, that seems like a good reaction.'

       Perhaps. But reading 1Kings 17 & 18 kind of makes you feel like this was not a very rational decision in light of all of the events that preceded it.

Check this out, dudes...

        In the previous chapters we read that Elijah: gave a prophesy from the Lord to the king, allowed God to direct him to a specific river to camp out, got fed by ravens (he didn't eat the ravens.... the Lord had the ravens bring him food), experienced as God gave specific provisions through the drought and famine, was used by God to bring a child back from the dead, watched as the Lord sent down fire to ignite a water soaked sacrifice, prayed seven times to make it rain and then watched as the sky turned black with rain clouds, tucked his cloak in his belt and ran faster than a chariot....

then after all of these crazy miracles....... some lady threatens him........ and he gets scared and runs.

Can you relate? 

I certainly can. Especially to his words as he sat under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord."

All of those miracles. All of the times when God spoke directly into your ear. All of those times that things seemed impossible and He came through in such amazing ways. They are all so quick to be forgotten sometimes.

so what do you do? what do you do when you're too tired to keep going? what do you do when the weight of what's ahead of you is pressing down on top of you?

in Elijah's story, he walked to Sinai to speak directly to God. when he got there the Lord said to him, "what are you doing here?"

Elijah told God what had happened..... which God already knew...... and God said this: 

"Go back the same way you came..."